Jerome's notes

Mixed Feelings

2009-10-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

Its been a bit of a whirlwind week. Lots of highs and lows, im in the middle of a funk right now, what with going back to school hanging over my head and all. Sent Jeremy Pan off to tekong very recently, im wondering hows he doing. Then again, hes always been a good guy, he'll do just fine. After all, hes adaptable, and if all else fails, I know God wont let anything permanently damaging happen to one of His sons after all...Hes a good God. Im feeling a bit far away from some friends whom i hoped to get closer with. Somehow, i cant seem to get involved in ANYONE elses life...i think its just me. I mean, sure i got people like shawn and kenneth whom im deeply been twined together with. But somehow i just cant get into others like i got into those two. Sigh...and to think i finally met a girl i think i wanna spend the effort on to become her friend, not just some acquaintaince, but a good friend. Not her boyfriend or future husband...just a friend. But somehow i just CANT DO IT! Why?
Sigh...it really is most frustrating. Anyway, been swimming quite a bit these past few days, i think...(think) im putting on a BIT of muscle...=] heeheehee...ok, enough about me and my life. Im just here to rant, after all....haha

And still they look on in silence...
choosing not to go either way...
which in itself, is a choice

2009-08-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

Bad feelings

Its been a long week and I should be happy, considering that I got to spend today (Sunday) waking up late, missing church, going swimming, hanging out with a good friend. But I feel so...empty, sad, somehow. And i dont understand why. Sigh...

I mean, I realised that my best friend talks to someone else that much easier than he does to me. Why that should be so I can understand. But it just feels...sad. So much. I guess. I wonder if im becoming more sensitive these days? What is wrong with me anyway? Why am i becoming so...soft? in that sense. Sigh...sadness...sadness...>.<

The rest later...
Who cares how old it is anyway?

State Of Mind

2009-07-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

Im sad...I think
I think people are ignoring me...
Its not good. Its adding to my sadness...
Im thinking of not going back...
Too many sad faces...
Too many disappointed faces...
All turning away from me...
Im no longer wanted or welcome there...
Yes...I think i'll just leave quietly...
At least I wont be missed badly by many...
If any at all...

And now the Silence has started to move,
Pulling him down under...

The rest shall never come anymore...

2009-05-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

Insane

Hello there...its been a while since i blogged. =X I wonder why i keep this thing up at all anyway?

Ok, enough of that. Heres some news...IM BEING DRIVEN CRAZY!!!

By this extremely beautiful and attractive young lady called G_____.

Ok...heres how it all started...

I was invited to join this MLM company called (blank) *no naming companies here!!* by my friend Wai Dek....and i agreed to come down and have a look. Then...i was introduced to his upline, his JC-ex classmate...(as mentioned earlier). And she was SUPER friendly...i really liked her approach and all. And then i realised that i was falling asleep with my eyes wide open as she was talking...i figured it was just fatigue and all. but then i realised...it was her eyes that so mesmerised me. That and her speech...it was like a moth being drawn irristably to flame...i was so...dazed. Its like nothing I experienced before....im seriously going crazy. And the touch of her hand...she kept patting my leg!! It was'nt uncomfortable or anything like that..if anything it was the exact opposite...it was driving me wild. With desire, not passion or love, im willing to admit. That was why i asked to be excused for a while, claiming i needed the toilet. I had to get away from the one thing that was making me lose control of the iron band i had placed over my desires and heart. She is the one thing that could possibly make me break my oath to myself to never let myself like or love another girl in the BGR sense again. At least till the army is behind me. You know...? When she was sitting next to me in the session I was attending tonight, I was...I felt like I was suffocating. Literally. And when she was messaging so much, I got curious and sneaked a look at her message. Looked into the front of her dress by accident too, my heart nearly stopped. I looked at her handphone screen (it was damm near the neckline of her dress, too) and I saw part of her message saying that she was messaging her boyfriend and the bottom of my stomach felt like it just dropped out and got filled with lead instead. sigh...I know im not in love or anything. Although im close to some VERY strong desires atm. And whats more, I have to deal with her on such a constant basis...considering that I'm joining the company and all. She's my upline afterall...haha. >.<

Soldier Of Fortune (Deep Purple)

I have often told the stories above the way

I've lived the life of a drifter, waiting for the day

When i take your hand and sing your song

and maybe you would say:

come lay with me and love me

and i would surely stay

but i feel im getting older...

and the songs that i have sung

echo in the distance

like the sound...of a windmill going round...

guess i'll always be a Soldier of Fortune

Many time i been a traveller and i look for something new...

days of old and nights of cold, i wandered without you

those days've fogged my eyes n see you standing here.

though blindness is confusing, it shows that your not here

now i feel im growing older...

and the songs that i have sung.

echo in the distance...

like the sound...of a windmill going round...

guess i'll always be a soldier of fortune

i can hear a sound, of a windmill going round...

guess i'll always be a soldier of fortune...

guess i'll always be....a soldier of fortune...

Ahh...this song...how i do like it so...

sounds quite right for myself...sad, mellow, alone. wishing he can stop walking around aimlessly. its sad, perhaps, but that does not make it any less true.

Haha...and maybe if the Lord will permit, he will be able to get a good girlfriend...someone like the above mentioned G_____...=P

And still the Silence is within him...

Awaiting the right time to bring him under

And when all is said and done,

Nothing will have been accomplished.

The rest later...

19 Years, 5 months and 26 days.

2009-03-12T04:39:00.000-07:00

Bad news

Hello there reader...bad news this time.

Ah well...its my 2nd week of attachment and my immediate supervisor is being transferred to another yard already. Sad man...Loh is going to Gul yard...and some guy i've never met before is coming in to take over him. Sigh...seriously sucks man...

End of today's sadness

Yesterday after work i went to meet Amy, a friend of mine for dinner. When i got home, i showered and used my comp. When she got home, we talked for a while...then she asked where i went for dinner. I dont enjoy talking about things once its over if it was a good thing. and i definitely enjoyed the dinner. No romance, but its always nice to just hang out with a friend. Anyway, i asked her...so why do you wanna know where i went for dinner? Then...she just blew up...shouting things like..."SO YOU THINK U GROW UP NO NEED TO TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE LA?!?!?! OK, THEN I WONT ASK EVER AGAIN! sO YOU WANT ME TO IGNORE YOU? OK...THAT CAN BE DONE!" Now shes ignoring me...oh y7a...and one more thing she said that made me seriously pissed about her att towards me..."EVEN YOU ARE GROWN UP AND MARRIED, YOU'LL STILL BE UNDER MY THUMB!" fuck this shit. i aint never going to be under nobody's thumb for the rest of my life....by saying this kind of thing, shes saying that im going to be dependent on her for the rest of my life?!?!? fuck this shit! If even God, the ALMIGHTY does not try to control me or my life to that extent, then who or what gives YOU the FUCKING RIGHTS to do so? hmm? answer me that!

"If you love something, let it go

If it returns, you can keep it,

If it does does not, it was never meant to be"

Seriously, fucked up attitude.

The rest later....

2008-12-05T04:26:00.000-08:00

Last Days

You know, its been so long since i blogged, i almost forgot what it was like. Guess i'll be back now...

Today was the last day of my MSTs in sem2 of DMR year 2. Im already feeling like shit cos i didnt do too well. When i come home, what do i get? A mother who worries too much, to the point that it seems (to me) that she has absolutely NO faith in my education. None whatsoever.

It really is a rather shitty feeling.

Ok, so thats that.

Now, abit later in the afternoon, i decided to fiddle with my PsP. I was so engrossed in what i was doing, that when mum talked to me, i was apparently "disrespecting Her as a mother". I remember she suddenly started shouting and asking to take away everything i have; bank account, bike, life.

ALL BECAUSE I "DISRESPECTED" HER!

I dont even know what i said or did, and she just blew up at me and brought out her biggest guns, the ever so fucked-up words: "you dont want me to care right? good, so now i WONT CARE!" Fuck you mum. Why'd you always have to use that particular line, knowing it hurts me the most. WHY?!?!?!?!?

And most of the time, i dont even understand why shes scolding me. Why shes doing this kind of thing to me? WHYWHYWHY?!?!?!!? I certainly dont think that i did disrespect her intentionally, but she blows up at absolutely NOTHING!

WHY?!

Anyway, most of the times that i DO give in and apologise (even when i feel it aint my fault), is just cause i care and respect her and im willing to swollow my pride (not an easy feat for a guy). But you know whats the worst thing? I dont fight back, and now, she thinks that EVERYTIME we have a fight, i WILL apologise cos its always MY fault. And i dont think im being rebellious or trying to be independent (to the point of breaking off). the only reason i dont fight back and only defend my position is cos i love and respect her too much to tell her to "GO FUCK YOURSELF".

Tell me, how am i supposed to feel about this? Im sick with a fever, im miserable cos of my papers, and now im having my heart broken by the same woman who ALWAYS does it. My mum. You know, i really want to just lash out at something, ANYTHING right now, even though im sick and feeling rather weak.

Now what do i do? She dont care anymore. The central person in my life is gone and replaced with a cold, unreasonable person.

The frustration and sadness of it makes me want to run and cry, but i dont, cos guys aint supposed to. So i do it inside. Im actually screaming and crying in misery right now. Inside, of course.Probably the only sign you will see is that im really lethargic and flares up VERY quickly. Im just so fucking miserable right now.

Im so sick and tired of it.

You wanna talk to me about God? Jesus? Go fuck yourself. Whats He done to get me out of this kind of fucked-up situations? Why is He allowing mum to torment me like this? This is worse than beatings, at least during beatings they can break your body but not your spirit. This is breaking your mind and spirit. And i've had enough of it! Im going to push back. REALLY HARD. But at the same time, i was taught, never raise your fists or voice against a lady. Its not right. So i cant.

The main problem comes down to this : I love my mum, and she always uses that love against me.

And im so sick and tired of it.

Everytime, i just dont understand why she blows up and starts yelling at me. And she expects me to apologise just to get things back to normal. Why's she such a heavy-handed bitch?

the rest later.

Jerome Yam. In great hatred and misery.

18 years, 0 months, 10 days

And still they do nothing but look on in silence.....

yo

2008-11-23T05:47:00.001-08:00

ANGEZ HERE!
when are you celebrating your bday, lil boy!

2008-11-09T05:58:00.000-08:00

Reflections

Hello there reader! Thanks once again for taking time off to come and read my blog...haha. Today was a rather tiring day...got home at 3am and fell asleep at around 4 cos i was with the guys playing lan at doby. Got to watch Albert and gang rape another group at dota. It was super funny la. The kinds of psychological warfare that they use...haha...damm bastard. But its funny...

Ok. so i got home at 3. Then mom woke me up at 7 so i could go to church...but i thought she was gonna call me when dad sent her to church...so i fell asleep...again. Yup, then i woke up at 10am...and realised that i missed church...again. Moron. Yup. Then i stayed home till about 2.30pm, when i decided to go for the soccer training at CHS. Why am i in it anyway, i wonder...but i have to admit...soccer IS fun. But i still dont really enjoy watching it. I guess i still suck and all. At least Jeremy was good enough to tell me that. Now all i have to do is to get him to eat those words...in about 3 months time. INTENSIVE PRACTISE! Oh...and i realised that im going off my physical training regime...again. Better get back on track and get fit...once again. Needs to do more running...short distance sprints and long runs for stamina.

Charissa reopened her blog today...and i guess im a bit relieved at being allowed to read it once again. Haha. I wonder why? Im becoming irrational...and its irritating me. Anyway, i guess i went and embarrassed myself when i told Sussnah that I forgot that she stays in Potong Pasir...haha. Idiot.

Im tired...real tired...esp after that soccer training this afternoon. And they have a match to play next week...i dont think im up to it...but i'll try my best...im going to make Jeremy have to eat those words about me being a lousy defender. But then...i really cant play soccer, can I? Haha.

Have you ever had a time when you just feel so down, but you dont know why? And you just want to get away from it all? Well guess what? Its happening right now.

Ahh hell...screwed days. and long nights.

Jerome Yam

18 years, 11 months 9 days

2008-11-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

Silences

"Loves the solitude

but hates the lonliness..."

Such a nice phrase, dont you think so?

2008-10-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Darkness...

I find myself having more and more dark thoughts recently, things like anger, agression, hatred, pain....for some strange reason, i really do want to inflict pain...lots and lots of it to certain people...people who hit me under the belt, people who are so high-handed, people who think that by their positions in life and their "God-given" right, they can come and fuck around with me, mess me around, and leave me hanging high and dry? Fuck you. Someday...someday you'll have to learn to stop being so high handed, such a fucking hardcase. Or im gonna snap. And when i do...i have no idea WHO im going to be after that. And you know what? I dont want that to happen.

What can i say? Im an angry kid. =X

Jerome Yam

18yrs, 10 months, 29days

The unseen, the unknowable, the untouchable...all these stand

at the crossroads in the mind. Keep silent...for these are silence.

2008-10-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

Moving on...

Hello you, its been a while since i last blogged...dont really have the knack for it i guess...haha. Anyway, my new bike is coming in next monday. Its a black Phantom, paid 3k for it(including insurance) last monday...ahha...and its taking 2 weeks...cos it needed an overhaul. Yup.

I wonder if thats going to affect the re-sale price when i sell it...maybe 10years down the road?

Anyway, i just managed to piss dad off. Again. He was trying to "teach" me how to corner at high speeds, without a bike. Does that make sense at all? Talking about doing a maneuver without the use of any equipments? Trying to teach me something i already know how to do? Just that i dont know how to put it into words. Its frustrating at times...i know i come across as arrogant and stubborn to my parents. But you know? I really DO know how to ride. And im careful when trying things out for the first time. So, im not very likely to screw up and hurt myself just cos im doing something for the first time. I know it. I believe it.

But do you?

You, my own parents, have SUCH little faith in me. I really cant believe this...im no longer a little boy, no longer someone who couldn't tie his own shoelaces. And you know what? You should know by now, i learn physical things fast...not so good with theory, but im excellent at practical. Esp. when it involves the whole body. You 2, of all people should know that well, from all our times spent together.

Ahh well, fuck it. Its not like i really care THAT much what people think about me anyway. Why do you think i have never cared about my appearance that much? Why should other's opinions about me affect my life and how i feel and live it? If you dont like how i look, then dont look at me. Fuck you.

Anyway, its been about 3 weeks since school started...and its already boring...haha. XD.

Lately, i've been thinking...whats going to happen to me in the future? What kind of life will i lead? What kind of work will i do? What kind of work will i do? What kind of woman will i marry? How many kids will i have? etc etc...and you know what? i really dont wanna grow up, leaving my youth behind, taking on responsibility for lives and the people around me...responsibility scares me...and i wonder why?

2008-07-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Typical Day

hey you! yeah you, the one reading this blog! thank you for taking time to come here and see this. ^^ you know, its been quite a relaxed day...went to school at 8, got home at 3 plus...so short! ^^ anyways, its been about 6 months since i last blogged...>.<...been REALLY really busy i guess...ahha...

today...my nokia 6610i spoiled...im wondering if nokia phones these days only look good...but cant last long? i mean, look at the phones of the past (from nokia i mean), they always lasted quite long, despite drops, water, rough working conditions...maybe they are concentrating on making cool looking phones and neglecting the hardiness of the phones these days??? i dunno...but i hope not...

hmm...you know? God has been pretty good to me these days...its me whos been unfaithful to Him. Repaying His kindness and love towards me with nothing but neglect and selfishness...and yet He loves me so...praise Him!

during the recent church camp, the speaker prophecied about me...said i would go into business...big big business...i wonder if im cut out for it? hopefully...but i know, if He calls me into it, He will guide me thru and give me the strength to do it...and do it well...

And during the church camp, i met a new friend from the church...someone i would not have normally spoken to very much. Her name is Zoe Pittas. Interesting person...her dads Greek, mums chinese..interesting mix there...haha. Anyway, i wonder why God would allow me to get to know someone like her...shes 14 this year...but you know? I dont regret ever having known her...she really nice...and mature...surprisingly self-confident...like they say, self-confidence in a girl is damm sexy..and its quite true...although im not interested in her at the moment...i have a bit too much on my mind to be thinking about going after a 14 year old girl...what would people say? i guess appearances do matter...

ahh yes, where was i? oh yes...my phone spoiled...so im going to get it looked at at the nokia shop in town tmr...im going down to go find cables and mike prices as well...hopefully i can find some good and cheap ones...compare prices and inform Daniel, then he will get the go-ahead from pastor Tim to go buy em...hope its good enuf for them...^^...ahh well...i can only do my best...

No time to get a girlfriend these days...busy busy busy...too busy with my own life to think about girls...although sometimes in my free time i do feel that little twinge of envy, envy of those who seem so happy together with someone else...and i had a chance not too long ago to become like that...but you know? i waited too long...someone else took her from me...that stupid idiot Ming Jie...ahh well...its not his fault, he never said he was'nt going to fight with me after all...haha....but you know? i hope shes happy...thats what matters. Sometimes...i just wish life were different.

Anyway, the 26th july event's practices and logistics are proceeding along quite well...no problems along the way...just had a practice at church...now quite tired...haha...you know, i hope God shows me the someone He made just for me someday soon....cos im going crazy...and this body is developing in a rather annoying way...always wants "something"...im not going to let this body do what it wants to...cos the flesh is sinful...it knows only the ways of man...not of God...but i will do only what is right...even if i do fail every now and then...im only human right?

the rest later...

JRomy Yam 18 years, 7 mths, 8 days

And still the unseen ones look on in silence, never saying a word

always onlookers, looking into the events and time that make up life.

What are they looking for? Why do they do nothing but keep watch?

Silence...is such a part of his life now...and they are there...in the silences

of this life.

2007-12-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

Long days, short nights

ever wondered why sometimes, when your in the middle of something, you wonder why you even started doing that to begin with? im just miserable at work...lots of crap happening to me at sakae sushi...

you know? im working only half days, and im already super worn out...but at least theres something that keeps me there, the fact that i need the pay more badly than the bullshit i put up with. its that my family needs the money...and needs it badly...i might move out of toa payoh sometime soon...and i dont want to, but there is no choice...no choice at all...

i dont think that i have ever been quite this miserable during the period approaching christmas...never, not even once in my entire life, have i ever felt so shitty around this time of the year...

anyway, my school just ended for a 2 wk break, and i've already burnt the first wk working...how miserable is that? anyway, 2nd wk wont be working quite so much, cos its de christmas period...maybe just the weekends...

there are a few small bright spots in my life at this point though, first of which is my brothers, Kenneth and Shawn, or KS (cos they always steal my kills...buggers), those 2 have always made me feel that much better after meeting them...haha...secondly is that i passed my basic theory test! It means, for those of you who dont understand, that im 1 step closer to getting my motorcycle license! ^^ yay!

Anyway, the chains of the past have fallen away and im now free, free to do what I want to, to enjoy my teenage life, as is befitting a teen in this time and age.

I sometimes wonder if I should get myself a girlfriend...its not like i cant get one...its just that i dont want one...not till im ready to get her cos i actually want something more than just physical gratification...this body is sinful...well and truly steeped in sin...never to be truly free from it, yet having to fight it daily...till the time that i can go Home and meet the Father, i will fight my sinful desires...

Up and On! Saints 4eva!

the rest later....

JRomy Yam, 18 yrs 12 mths, 20 days

And as he does these things, the unseen ones look on in silence, forever watching him, forever remaining mere spectators in the flow of time that makes 1 young man's life. His mother is ill at home yet he is unable to do anything about it. He now knows futility in a new way, one which will change things for him. What changes? We shall have to wait and see...forever silent

2007-11-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

Unsaid things

This girl that lived just up the road from here,

she had the nicest legs i'd ever seen.

Back then, she wrote me letters just to say she loved me,

but now her face is just a memory.

Now that 7 years are gone,

and i'd grown up but she'd be gone,

some how im still holding on to her.

i've still got so many unsaid things that i wanna say,

and i just cant wait another day,

i wish she knew,

i still wait up wondering if she will remember me

but there's no way for me to know

now shes got pregnant with a baby

it feels like shes slipping away from me

now that shes getting married im in misery,

this is a part of "Unsaid things" by mcfly,

haha...guess im just a fool in love...or is that what they call a fool?

emo kia...

but you know, its quite true that we dont always say what we mean to the people who matter to us. And then when its too late, when we cant say what we want to, we regret it...

why?

why do we never say how we feel within?

why do we always bottle our feelings within?

why do we always wait till its too late, then we regret?

and the best part is,

I know this....and im still making the same mistakes of the past...

idiot, dumdum, idiot!

guess its getting kinda late to be making posts...ahahhahahahaha...

Anyways,

the rest later,

JRomy Yam, 17 yrs, 11 mths, 23 days

a bit more, just a bit more and i shall be released from the chains of the past,

chains from a spectre that still haunts me, seeing the tears on that face at night, in my head.

2007-10-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

hahaha....maybe i will all end soon...but life will go on, whether or not i want it to...

it does not stop for a person, and it will not stop even if many wish it to.

time goes by so fast that a man is born and dies even without noticing him...gone with the wind.

2007-10-18T08:12:00.001-07:00

Confused

Ahh well, its been one hell of a long time since i blogged.

Nothing much to say i guess...been tired these few days...started work at sakae sushi on the 26th of Sept. 2007. And its kind of interesting working there...got lotsa pretty gals to look at...got nice guys working with me, and lots to help myself to after work. ^^ naughty naughty!

Anyways...this sat, working from 12-5, then heading to the BB 20th anniversary dinner. Hope i can pay for it...im like really broke these days...no money in the bank, dads not giving me pocket money, mom lost her job so shes been staying at home all this time since she lost it.

jeez, kenneth watching america's next top model is really distracting. really really annoying voices.

hmm....this sun...going out with angeline and some of the gals...i wonder if we're gonna have fun till mid-evening...late is too late, early is too early...so well...mid lor...haha ^^

sigh...confusion confusion...someone just asked me to be her bf and if i do say yes, i will do so only for the wrong reasons...ALL of them...weak and foolish boy that i am, i've got a coursemate who told me that shes taking the bus for 1 month, and she seemed to be saying something more, so much more, but what? i'm attracted to her i guess, but i dont know what to do...awgh. then again, theres also my dance partner to consider...i wonder if she likes me at all? i would gladly take her for my own, but i don't know...don't have time, dont have money, cant feed myself, dont say have a gf now la...ahh hell...

guys like me...just so full of bullshit...

The rest later

JRomy Yam, 17 yrs, 10 months and 18 days

just a little bit more before the bonds of the past fall away

the chains of past bonds break 1 month before Christmas

the cracks of the heart break will finally seal

and maybe life will be freed finally from the seals of the past.

Good bye...soon

2007-08-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

New post

hey all you readers who are taking time off to come have a look at my quiet little place on the internet. hahaz...been a very interesting end of sem...probably failed my eng. maths paper this term...the rest i think i can pass quite well...^^

anyways...just had a big fight with my mum 2 nights before...damm sianz...im wondering how come my choice to serve on sunday services can become my being arrogant and rebellious..it seems just a bit unfair to me...ahh well...

anyways...nows the hols...and im enjoying my first week...then its off to work! gotta help out in the family finances...haha...i think im the type who will go and work and be serious only after something very upsetting happens around me...ahh well...guess im just made that way...

hahaz...single or attached...which one is better? which one will suit peoples needs better?

the rest later

JRomy Yam 17 yrs, 8 months and 29 days

..........................................................0.0

2007-08-01T01:07:00.000-07:00

Sianz....

whaahha...hi ya there all you readers! hopes yaz all still alrights!
im bored and in school when i decided to do this post...idiot right? in de middle of a group project somemore...hahax...hope de guys dont realise that im actually blogging...heh heh heh...
been a restless week for moi! hahaz...unable to sleep...insomnia maybe??? i hope not.
maybe my sleep patterns are just changing...wonder whats going on...
anyways...guess im all better now...whahhaha...i also dunno what im gonna do for the rest of de week...exams this thurs, next monday, and lotsa lotsa other dates too...sigh...how? you tell me!

die....X.X

depressing days...haha...but we keep our spirits up no matter how we do it right? its better to be over happy than overly depressed...ah well...Ahaha ha haha...

why did i ever listen to the voice "The Procrastinator"? now im going to die...project is due tmr...and we still dunno how to complete it...DIE!

sianz...stupid C++ programming mini project. <---really really sucks!

i wonder if any of the other groups have finished their projects? hopefully they havent...and that we will ALL die tgt! muahhahaa...its not quite so bad if u've gt someone to die with u after all..haha...

The rest later...

JRomy 17 yrs, 8 months and 1 day

"...Serve with no strings attached and thats how they will look up to you." huh...i wonder just how true that is...wish more people would think like that...haha

2007-07-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

17 July '07

Confirmation

hahas...guess i managed to confirm it today huh? the miseries that have plagued men and women since time began. i have just managed to find out that im included in it too.

i swear, im such an idiot. always going to the places where i will get hurt. but i just cant help not knowing whats going on.

jerome yam, you fool, you poor poor fool. go beat your head against a wall, why dont you? i mean. its the same as what your doing to yourself emotionally right? and you dont seem to quite mind it. so go ahead! bang your head as much as you want to. do it until your happy lar. idiot.

the rest later.

JRomy 17 yrs, 7 months and 17 days

*bang bang* (hits head against wall really hard)

0.o'

2007-07-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

12 July '07
Perhaps betrayal...?

hey you,if your reading this, thanks for the effort to drop by here and check on this blog =].

anyways...im kinda sian...cos i found out that one of the people i called my brothers is going out with my ex-gf. and while im happy shes found someone like him, im also sort of upset about it. and i dont understand why i should be feeling this way. i mean, after all, while i still do love her very much and would want to be a part of her life once again, im no longer someone very important to her, so why should i be feeling this way? and im not pissed at my brother either...just a bit...cool towards him, perhaps. arrgh hell. i dont even know what im saying anymore.

its not like she ratted on me to go out with him....we broke up almost 1 1/2 years ago. so why do i feel so betrayed? even when i KNOW i should not. sigh...sometimes i think God likes to play cruel jokes on me. i know i've had quite a few played on me already. so please God, if you can hear me and see this message...please stop the pain at least? its driving me quite to the edge already. im tired...so tired of everything. why cant the world just be perfect? even if its just for 1 day? please make the world perfect? please?

The rest later.

JRomy 17 yrs, 7 months and 12 days

and by the way, (onetime) dear, if you do read this, please dont feel bad or anything. its not your fault, i dont blame you for what happened. i messed up. so please dont feel guilty on my account, and if you do, well, i cant quite help you. take care always ya? ='|

2007-06-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

30 June, 2007

Missing someone

i read this somewhere :

"when you shower,

or you read a book,

or you listen to a song

and you suddenly remember that someone,

then you know that you have forgotten them."

now that i think about it, it seems quite true. except that forgetting someone don't mean that it don't hurt anymore. the pain will always be there after all.

my only consolation is that she dosen't seem to hurt bad anymore.

but i can always hope she still has a place for me in her heart, even if it is a small one.

i want her back, but if i do get her back, so what?

all i will do is bring her more misery.

so why bother? but i cant stop this feeling inside me.

its like something that crawled into me, and now is trying to force its way out.

i wish i had a gun or something that i could turn upon it.

maybe i'm the fool for still feeling this way about her and all,

i mean, its been almost 1 1/2 yrs now. but i still cant quite get rid of how i felt about her, about how i still feel for her.

how do you get rid of thoughts?

if only the mind was like a computer, able to be rigidly controlled.

then there would be so much less misery in the world.

but its an imperfect world we live in after all...

filled with such imperfect people...although some seem like the perfect ones.

should i ever go and look her up again?

i fear she will become a friendly stranger to me if i try to get close to her again.

then i would truly be devastated.

but then my existence now is not really much better.

the misery daily, everyday after endless day till the end of my days.

so readers, you tell me. what should i do?

dammed if i do, dammed if i don't.

"Ah yes, love. That most terrible of bonds. But which is so easily severed."

(Pirates Of The Carribean : At World's End, Capt' Davy Jones. Prior to death)

it would have been alright if i never heard of saw u ever again.

but there always seems to be something to remind me of you.

and those things reopened old wounds.

to have fallen so deeply in love with you, was i the fool or were we the fools?

(Obtained from a friend's blog)

im not supposed to love you.

im not supposed to care.

im not supposed to live my life

wishing you were there. <-------------i like this little bit

im not supposed to wonder

where you are or what you do

im sorry, i cant help myself

cos im in love with you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stupid emo kia. haha....i still think im really just too damm emo sometimes sia...but i cant quite help it...its just me.

the rest later.

JRomy 17 yrs, 6 ,months and 30 days <---------talking abt this down there[1]

*btw readers, if you guys can guess what im counting down to, you get something nice from me at christmas. =] [1]

2007-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

June 27, 2007
Screwed

hey all, been a tired week. haha.
i've been messing up more than i should...just this morning i missed classed cos i overslept...so bad right...>.<
hahaha....i een one hell of a rollercoaster week for me...had to re-adjust to school.....again.
then first thing this week, i get a retest that my thermo lec. is giving me cos i failed my thermo test...damm sian right?

The rest later.

JRomy Yam 17 Yrs, 6 months and 27 days

2007-06-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

June 21, 2007
Messing up

hi guys...i just got packed for my camp the next day...haha(paiseh)...anyways...the reason i just finished packing is cos i was ironing my clothes and doing some wierd stuffs...0.0 (sounds wrong don't it?)anyways...to heck with the camp lar...

i made myself feel upset...and i dun even understand why i should be feeling this way...

it sucks! you hear me?!?! it SUCKS!

why did i have to go and say something like that...and even though your reaction is like i expected, why the hell am i still feeling this way when i already agreed that i would stay off to one side?!?!?! that i would not interfere...that i would not get hurt...again

but what the hell happened?!?! i got fucked...this time by no one else but the one and only...Jerome Yam Guang Wen...Demented crazy ass bastard.

ARRGGHH!!!! fuck sia...and besides...wtfh am i feeling this way over a gal anyway? i already decided that i aint going to date or try to get a girlfriend again till im at least 18...and its still one hell of a long time to 18. i loved her...but i still got hurt bad in the end...so just leave me alone...oh my heart...just leave me...i dont want the pain that having u in my chest brings.

so wtfh am i doing this? and most of all...why am i doing this to myself??? dumb shithead.

ah well...at least now i know that im not likely to get her anyway...so i can move on now...and be fucking miserable about myself and the pain in my heart.

ah well...i never really stood a chance with her anyway. there was someone else better in her way...i might have seemed to be an older guy or something to her...but her heart aint with me...its with him...and i do wish her well...at least i know this guy...
he wont let her down...a bit stubborn maybe...but hes a good guy...i just wish i didn't have to feel like this...

to all you readers out there whos now thinking:"what an dumbshit!" or something else that only assholes can think up,
fuck you, fuck you and FUCK YOU!

the rest later.

JRomy 17yrs, 6 months and 21 days

"Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."
The Bible

2007-05-28T04:21:00.000-07:00

May 28, 2007
Shocked

im like soo dead! cos i just realised that i din study for like...ALL my modules and i dunno squat abt how im going to do my coming term tests. its in like...1 week...and i got like...5 modules to cram...gonna die...anyways...gtg to cram...right now!

ahh well...been a pretty boring monday...almost fell asleep in my first few lectures...then was rude to my engineering maths lecturer (EM) cos i had a really really badly throbbing headache and he was nagging me. hes a bit of an asshole who DEFINITELY cant leacture properly, but i just couldn help being rude...so bad la i think.

anyways...met an old fren in school this morning, had some breakfast with him. oh yeah...and im going to watch pirates with a couple of sec school mates tmr...but i been in contact with these 2 since i left SA...so its quite all good...haha...

came back feeling very worn out so i ate and slept like the pig that SOMEONE keeps on insisting that i am...whahaha....anyway...it refreshed moi...so nw im feeling good...and still wanna sleep....>.< so lazy right???
whahahha

shawn, my bro, mentioned some plans for the coming thursday cos its vesak day...no idea what the days abt though we always get the day off...i've always wondered why we get the day off on that particular day. i mean, its got no significance for me apart from the day off that i get...ahh hell...no point in looking a gift horse in the mouth right??? just take it as it is...and ENJOY the day's plans...wonder what hes wanting to go do on that particular day.

din meet up with LCO for quite a while now...i think its been abt 1 week already??? JUST KIDDING! i do miss the crazy people's nonsense and laughter and fun just a lil bit though.

im nuts...cos im still not contemplating studying for my term tests...

and while my mom still dosent trust me at all,i dont want her to be hurt by me actions...i gotta study hard cos i dun wanna let her down...considering what shes going through to put me through poly.i will not screw this up. i have made enough of a mess with my life and hurt the people around me whom i love dearly enough already. i will not hurt my mother too. i must not, i cannot.

well when you go, so never think im gonna make you try to stay
and maybe when you get back, i'll be off to find another way.
when after all this time that you still owe,you steal again from nothing i dont know
so take your gloves and get out, better get out, while you can.

when you go, and would you even turn to say hey,
i don't love you like i did yesterday.
sometimes i cry so hard from bleeding,
so sick inside of all the needless beatings,
but baby when they knock you down and out,
is where you ought to stay.

make a guess which band sang this song.
guess who im pasting the lyrics here for...and i owe you a milkshake for the correct answer
(the person i wrote this for...not the band)
(limited to 1 person only. first person to get me to acknowledge the correct ans)

the rest later.

JRomy 17 yrs, 5 months and 28 days

And may the Lord bless you...if you read all the way down here

*and if you read this then come find me...i got a milkshake with your name on it*
(subject to availability at current time)

tired...

2007-05-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

May 27, 2007

Its been a long day, started out to church real early this morning to serve out my duty as the soundman this week. haha...im not very good at it though...despite having had served most of my involved time in xxon as a soundman,>.< sad right?

Anyways, had a 2 hour nap in the youth rm after the service ended altho no ones supposed to do tt...=P wahhahaha....then i went home and slept somemore...cos din sleep much last night. Then, after waking up, went to tp central to get my watch fixed and inquire abt some internet services thingy. So sian...then was supposed to go for the Global Day of Prayer at the National Stadium...but was feeling sick...so din go...yeah...and to think that i wuz supposed to write an article abt it for my church bulletin. oh well, cant do it now can i? but im kinda sad tt i missed it...and also cos the NS is gonna be demolished...right??? whahaha...so sianz...and i nvr been inside it the way i been inside the indoor stadium...so sad im gonna miss the chance to see it....

Yup yup...anyways...guess i decided to make a blog cos i need somewhere to just write hw im feeling sometimes...when things get a bit too much for me to handle or maybe when i got something interesting to share...soo...i guess that there is my reason for blogging...whaha...
the rest later.

needs sleep...

tired =[

got school tmr...

wans to shoot somethings and see it die...

i want to sleep...into eternity

return me to my Lord when i die

JRomy 17 yrs, 5 months and 27 days

2007-05-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

May 24, 2007
First post

wahahah....first time making a blog. and first time im actually writing a post for all to read...
Today was actually quite ok. Awoke late at 6.30am to go to S.A. Wahahah...so i missed the meeting with my junior. (Was supposed to collect some keys from him to open the storeroom). Anyways, had breakfast in school and then left to go cycling.

First off, we went towards macritchie while i almost died along the way...cos got some problems with my messed-up body. After a short rest, went to sime ave. Some super ulu place where got a bunch of graves. creepy sia. anyways, after that, we crossed the CTE during some super rush period...like...at 930 am...crazy peeps...whahha...but we had fun...yupyup...then onto adam road food centre. there we had some rather nice ice milo. very unique taste. after that we left and looked for some place to take good photos. the rest later.

Romy. 17yrs, 5 months and 24 days.